Colonel_Rule
08-11-2006, 10:25 AM
Week 1 – Excel Arena, London, England.
*Lights go out; an instrumental of Alice Cooper’s poison is played as the pyro is set off on the stage. Mike “nWo_Rule” walks out to a roaring crowd as he walks down to the ring. After a minute of standing in the ring, he grabs a mic*
nWo_Rule: A new breed has been unleashed, a new way of life which will change the face of professional wrestling and the way we enjoy it. Ladies and Gentlemen all around the world, may I introduce to you, the first ever edition of the Ultimate Wrestling Association.
*Crowd goes crazy and chants “thank you Mike”*
nWo_Rule: May I introduce to you first, the commentary team, Phil Miaz and Almando Guerrera.
*Miaz and Guerrera both stand up to the roar of the crowd.*
nWo_Rule: And finally, may I introduce you to the general manager of the UWA……..Jonathon Bond.
*Jonathon Bond makes his way to the ring. Once there he shakes hands with nWo_Rule and is given the microphone as nWo_Rule leaves the ring.*
Bond: As GM of this show, I will be in charge of the matches and I will be the greatest authority figure under Mr Rule, that means co-operate, or you will have hell to……..
*Suddenly Brick Shithouse by placebo is played interrupting the new GM half way through his speech. *
Miaz: Oh my god man, is that who I think it is?
Guerrera: If it is, they had better had changed essa.
*The crowd roars in amazement as the Poo World Order emerge from the stage. They start to make their way down to the ring.*
Miaz: Oh my god, it really is them, the pWo are here on the first edition of UWA. I think I’m touching cloth!
*The pWo enter the ring. Bogan demands a mic as the rest of them stare down Bond*
Bond: What in the hell do you think you are doing?
Bogan: Hey Bond, John Bond…..
Bond: That’s Mr Bond to you
Bogan: Now listen here faggot. We are the greatest faction in the history of professional wrestling, we are the most dominant force that has ever embellished this business. We make the now look like……poo. Some say that we ripped them off, but really we are the originals. Here we have Mr Smelledy. At 6ft 11 and weighing in at 500lbs, he is the biggest member pound for pound in this company. Over here we have Hava Schmit. This guy is the promising future of the pWo, at only 23, he has a great career ahead of him. Next we have X-Packing Fudge. Now all I can say is that the rumours of him actually being a fudge packer are not true, you say that too him and he’ll bronco buster your face in. Next we have the big daddy of the poo world order Kevin Slash, he is the henchman of this group. And finally we come to me, the ultimate Bollywood Bulk Bogan, enough said. And together we are, the Poo World Order, and we’re taking over.
*pWo music hits as the pWo leave the ring headed for the back*
Guerrera: Wow, that is one hell of a statement right there essa.
Miaz: Damn right it is. Anyway coming up next is the tag team title match between the Retardy Boyz and the Porn stars.
Guerrera: Hey essa, how about some nachos and a citizenship loco....
*Pornstars music hits and Seanx101 and Pal Penus enter the ring*
Ring Announcer: This match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the UWA tag team titles. Making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of 23 stone. Seanx101 and Pal Penus the Porn Stars.
*The Retardy Boyz music plays as they enter the ring hunched over going ughhhh*
Ring Announcer: And the opponents at a combined weight of 25 stone, Wiff and Twat, the Retardy Boyz.
*The match starts off with Wiff and Penus, they lock up in the centre of the ring. Wiff is immediately flawed and is locked in a headlock. Wiff fights it and eventually counters into a headlock of his own. After a bout of submission wrestling Wiff is caught with a clothesline by Penus, and another. He then irish whips Penus into the corner and tags his partner in. Sean goes to work on him.*
Miaz: Oh my god!!! F5 he’s got him up for it
*Bam!!! His partner punches him in the face and Sean is flawed. Twat then drop kicks Penus from the apron. Twat then drags his partner to his corner and tags himself in. They start to go to work on Sean. They hit him with a double suplex and a double leg drop.
Wiff goes out of the ring to fetch a steel chair and is stopped by the referee at ring side*
Guerrera: He can’t do that man, he’ll get disqualified for shawl essa
*Penus sees the opportunity and grabs a cheese grater. As he steps back into the ring two men storm the ring and attack Penus*
Guerrera: Oh my god, who are those guys? They aren’t cool amigos attacking him like that.
Miaz: What? Oh sorry I was staring at that blond girl’s tits in the front row.
Guerrera: For Christ sake Phil we are supposed to be calling the match not looking at some girl’s……whoa they are nice essa.
Miaz: Oh look she’s jumping up and down.
Guerrera: Yeah, bouncy bouncy you know what I is saying?
*As the broadcast team are mesmerised by the female chest area the two men attack Penus and Sean and dispose of them out of the ring. Suddenly, Wiff Retardy wonders back in the ring. He is then picked up and then what seems to be a 3D is used on him.*
Guerrera: OH MY GOD. I think I just saw a nipple.
Miaz: I have a hard one, Guerrera
Guerrera: Me two. If only I had a large penis.
*One of the men then exits the ring and clotheslines Twat, whilst the other searches under the ring and pulls out a table.*
Guerrera: Oh no, I can see what is going to happen here.
Miaz: What’s that?
Guerrera: Her boyfriend is going to tear us a new pea shoot
Miaz: Shit, run!!!
*The commentators run away as the woman’s boyfriend gives chase*
*The two men in the ring pick up Twat and perform a 3D right through the table*
*HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, chants the crowd.*
*The men then leave the ring and head for the back*
Commercial Break.
*As the show commences, Bond is walking along the hall way until he is stopped by the men who took out the Retardy Boyz and the Porn Stars.*
Bond: Can I help you gentlemen?
First man: We want a title match?
Bond: A tag team title match?
Second man: No shit Sherlock
First Man: Yes a tag team title match you daft cunt.
Bond: What did you say?
Second man: I said you are a cunt
Bond: Watch your mouth young man
Second man: Or what?
First man: Whoa whoa whoa, calm down Brother Kunt. Let’s start over again. Can we have a title match?
Bond: Well first of all, who are you?
First man: I am Blubba Ray Budley and this is my partner Brother Kunt. And we are the Budleyz.
Bond: I’ll think about it.
Kunt: You wanker!
-------
Miaz: I…..think…..we…lost hi…m.
Guerrera: So….do…..I. I should quit smoking homez. Running is not good either.
Miaz: God I am unhealthy.
Guerrera: Fat Bastard
Miaz: Shut up you Mexican cunt. Go back to Taco Bell.
----------------------
*The cameras locate backstage where Der Fuhrer is backstage with his manager Hans Wolfgang.*
Fuhrer: Guten tag. Mein name ist Der Fuhrer, und ich bin eine fuhrer.
Hans: He says hello, my name is Der Fuhrer and he is a leader.
Fuhrer: Ich bin eine gott
Hans: He is a god
Fuhrer: Ich will komme zum der UWA.
Hans: He will come tonight to the UWA.
Fuhrer: Ich will essen deine mutter
Hans: Umm, he says he’s mad.
Hans: I am Hans Wolfgang and he is the first angry German, Achtung! He’s coming tonight.
Fuhrer: Ja, ich will essen deine mutter und deine vatter!
------------
Interviewer: Hi, my name is Mosh Jatthews and right here now is the real French phenom, or commonly dubbed the French Sandman….La Painman.
Painman: Bonjour monsieur Jatthews.
Jatthews: Can you speak Eng-lish…..speeeek….Enger-lish
Painman: No I speak nil English you stooped retard.
Jatthews: I’m confused now, does he or doesn’t he?
*Painman hits Mosh over the head with his trademark baguette*
Painman: My name is La Painman…roughly translates as the breadman, but fuck English, what is so great about Angleterre? Nothin. I am the greatest French wrestler ever, and I will debut with UWA tonight in the 15 man battle royal, and I will become the first ever, UWA world champion. Au revoir, je m’appelle La Painman.
-------------
Miaz: Coming up next will be the 15 man battle royal for the UWA world championship, a much more prestige title than any other on the face of this earth.
Guerrera: Damn right amigo.
Miaz: I will explain the rule, once all 15 men have entered the ring, the match will start. You will be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope. There will be no disqualifications.
*Wrestlers enter the ring in the following order.
The Porn Stars – Nipples, Seanx101 and Pal Penus.**
The Retardy Boyz*
La Painman
Der Fuhrer*
Kid E Fiddler*
Awesome Mike
The Budleyz*
pWo (Bogan, Slash, Smelledy and Schmitt)**
*The match begins*
Miaz: Oh my god, Twat Retardy has been eliminated by Der Fuhrer!
*The Porn Stars and Wiff Retardy gang up on the Budleyz and eliminate both*
*The pWo then join force to eliminate Wiff Retardy, Seanx101 and Pal Penus in one throw.*
Guerrera: Oh my god! The pWo said they would take over and dominate, and that is what they have done! HOLY SHIT!!!
*The pWo throw Kid E Fiddler over the top rope onto the announce table. He then gets up and tries to lure children in the front row into his van parked outside.*
Miaz: That sick bastard!!
Guerrera: I would have kidnapped that blond in the front row
Miaz: Same here. Just look at those tits!!!
*Awesome Mike and La Painman eliminate Schmitt with a double clothesline. Everyone all bundles each other in the centre of the ring when suddenly Tony Nipples moonsaults into the centre of the ring knocking everyone down! He gets up and eliminates Smelledy then Der Fuhrer.*
Miaz: There goes Smelledy and Der Fuhrer………
Guerrera: I SAW A NIPPLE!!!!!!
*Bogan and Slash team up against Awesome Mike pushing him into the corner. La Painman has got his baguette, he swings but misses Tony Nipples.*
Miaz: Oh My God, Nipples goes doggy style.
Guerrera: Better known as a German Suplex essa.
Miaz: Whoa, is he going for it? He’s going to the top rope.
Guerrera: NIPPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES with the sex splash
Miaz: He hit it.
*Kevin Slash delivers a big boot to Nipples. Slash leans on the ropes.*
Miaz: Awesome Mike, Awesome Mike pushes Kevin Slash onto the top rope.
Guerrera: Could he do it man?
Miaz: Tony Nipples helping Mike and Kevin Slash has been eliminated!
*Nipples and Mike start to fight in the middle of the ring. Awesome Mike sets up Nipples for the powerbomb*
Miaz: He’s setting him up for the Awesome Bomb!
Guerrera: Whoa essa, here comes Bogan!
*Bogan shoves both Nipples and Awesome Mike over the top rope*
Miaz: Oh my god! We have our first ever UWA champion
Guerrera: Unfortunately. What a bastard.
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner and the NEEEEEEEEEW UWA heavyweight champion……Bollywood Bulk Bogan.
*Bogan celebrates in the ring as the pWo come down to the ring. The show finishes with the pWo raising Bogan’s hand and posing.*
Miaz: Well we have a new champion and the pWo have taken over!
Guerrera: Be sure to tune in next week on Wrestlement TV. Good night.
*Lights go out; an instrumental of Alice Cooper’s poison is played as the pyro is set off on the stage. Mike “nWo_Rule” walks out to a roaring crowd as he walks down to the ring. After a minute of standing in the ring, he grabs a mic*
nWo_Rule: A new breed has been unleashed, a new way of life which will change the face of professional wrestling and the way we enjoy it. Ladies and Gentlemen all around the world, may I introduce to you, the first ever edition of the Ultimate Wrestling Association.
*Crowd goes crazy and chants “thank you Mike”*
nWo_Rule: May I introduce to you first, the commentary team, Phil Miaz and Almando Guerrera.
*Miaz and Guerrera both stand up to the roar of the crowd.*
nWo_Rule: And finally, may I introduce you to the general manager of the UWA……..Jonathon Bond.
*Jonathon Bond makes his way to the ring. Once there he shakes hands with nWo_Rule and is given the microphone as nWo_Rule leaves the ring.*
Bond: As GM of this show, I will be in charge of the matches and I will be the greatest authority figure under Mr Rule, that means co-operate, or you will have hell to……..
*Suddenly Brick Shithouse by placebo is played interrupting the new GM half way through his speech. *
Miaz: Oh my god man, is that who I think it is?
Guerrera: If it is, they had better had changed essa.
*The crowd roars in amazement as the Poo World Order emerge from the stage. They start to make their way down to the ring.*
Miaz: Oh my god, it really is them, the pWo are here on the first edition of UWA. I think I’m touching cloth!
*The pWo enter the ring. Bogan demands a mic as the rest of them stare down Bond*
Bond: What in the hell do you think you are doing?
Bogan: Hey Bond, John Bond…..
Bond: That’s Mr Bond to you
Bogan: Now listen here faggot. We are the greatest faction in the history of professional wrestling, we are the most dominant force that has ever embellished this business. We make the now look like……poo. Some say that we ripped them off, but really we are the originals. Here we have Mr Smelledy. At 6ft 11 and weighing in at 500lbs, he is the biggest member pound for pound in this company. Over here we have Hava Schmit. This guy is the promising future of the pWo, at only 23, he has a great career ahead of him. Next we have X-Packing Fudge. Now all I can say is that the rumours of him actually being a fudge packer are not true, you say that too him and he’ll bronco buster your face in. Next we have the big daddy of the poo world order Kevin Slash, he is the henchman of this group. And finally we come to me, the ultimate Bollywood Bulk Bogan, enough said. And together we are, the Poo World Order, and we’re taking over.
*pWo music hits as the pWo leave the ring headed for the back*
Guerrera: Wow, that is one hell of a statement right there essa.
Miaz: Damn right it is. Anyway coming up next is the tag team title match between the Retardy Boyz and the Porn stars.
Guerrera: Hey essa, how about some nachos and a citizenship loco....
*Pornstars music hits and Seanx101 and Pal Penus enter the ring*
Ring Announcer: This match is scheduled for one fall, and is for the UWA tag team titles. Making their way to the ring, at a combined weight of 23 stone. Seanx101 and Pal Penus the Porn Stars.
*The Retardy Boyz music plays as they enter the ring hunched over going ughhhh*
Ring Announcer: And the opponents at a combined weight of 25 stone, Wiff and Twat, the Retardy Boyz.
*The match starts off with Wiff and Penus, they lock up in the centre of the ring. Wiff is immediately flawed and is locked in a headlock. Wiff fights it and eventually counters into a headlock of his own. After a bout of submission wrestling Wiff is caught with a clothesline by Penus, and another. He then irish whips Penus into the corner and tags his partner in. Sean goes to work on him.*
Miaz: Oh my god!!! F5 he’s got him up for it
*Bam!!! His partner punches him in the face and Sean is flawed. Twat then drop kicks Penus from the apron. Twat then drags his partner to his corner and tags himself in. They start to go to work on Sean. They hit him with a double suplex and a double leg drop.
Wiff goes out of the ring to fetch a steel chair and is stopped by the referee at ring side*
Guerrera: He can’t do that man, he’ll get disqualified for shawl essa
*Penus sees the opportunity and grabs a cheese grater. As he steps back into the ring two men storm the ring and attack Penus*
Guerrera: Oh my god, who are those guys? They aren’t cool amigos attacking him like that.
Miaz: What? Oh sorry I was staring at that blond girl’s tits in the front row.
Guerrera: For Christ sake Phil we are supposed to be calling the match not looking at some girl’s……whoa they are nice essa.
Miaz: Oh look she’s jumping up and down.
Guerrera: Yeah, bouncy bouncy you know what I is saying?
*As the broadcast team are mesmerised by the female chest area the two men attack Penus and Sean and dispose of them out of the ring. Suddenly, Wiff Retardy wonders back in the ring. He is then picked up and then what seems to be a 3D is used on him.*
Guerrera: OH MY GOD. I think I just saw a nipple.
Miaz: I have a hard one, Guerrera
Guerrera: Me two. If only I had a large penis.
*One of the men then exits the ring and clotheslines Twat, whilst the other searches under the ring and pulls out a table.*
Guerrera: Oh no, I can see what is going to happen here.
Miaz: What’s that?
Guerrera: Her boyfriend is going to tear us a new pea shoot
Miaz: Shit, run!!!
*The commentators run away as the woman’s boyfriend gives chase*
*The two men in the ring pick up Twat and perform a 3D right through the table*
*HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, chants the crowd.*
*The men then leave the ring and head for the back*
Commercial Break.
*As the show commences, Bond is walking along the hall way until he is stopped by the men who took out the Retardy Boyz and the Porn Stars.*
Bond: Can I help you gentlemen?
First man: We want a title match?
Bond: A tag team title match?
Second man: No shit Sherlock
First Man: Yes a tag team title match you daft cunt.
Bond: What did you say?
Second man: I said you are a cunt
Bond: Watch your mouth young man
Second man: Or what?
First man: Whoa whoa whoa, calm down Brother Kunt. Let’s start over again. Can we have a title match?
Bond: Well first of all, who are you?
First man: I am Blubba Ray Budley and this is my partner Brother Kunt. And we are the Budleyz.
Bond: I’ll think about it.
Kunt: You wanker!
-------
Miaz: I…..think…..we…lost hi…m.
Guerrera: So….do…..I. I should quit smoking homez. Running is not good either.
Miaz: God I am unhealthy.
Guerrera: Fat Bastard
Miaz: Shut up you Mexican cunt. Go back to Taco Bell.
----------------------
*The cameras locate backstage where Der Fuhrer is backstage with his manager Hans Wolfgang.*
Fuhrer: Guten tag. Mein name ist Der Fuhrer, und ich bin eine fuhrer.
Hans: He says hello, my name is Der Fuhrer and he is a leader.
Fuhrer: Ich bin eine gott
Hans: He is a god
Fuhrer: Ich will komme zum der UWA.
Hans: He will come tonight to the UWA.
Fuhrer: Ich will essen deine mutter
Hans: Umm, he says he’s mad.
Hans: I am Hans Wolfgang and he is the first angry German, Achtung! He’s coming tonight.
Fuhrer: Ja, ich will essen deine mutter und deine vatter!
------------
Interviewer: Hi, my name is Mosh Jatthews and right here now is the real French phenom, or commonly dubbed the French Sandman….La Painman.
Painman: Bonjour monsieur Jatthews.
Jatthews: Can you speak Eng-lish…..speeeek….Enger-lish
Painman: No I speak nil English you stooped retard.
Jatthews: I’m confused now, does he or doesn’t he?
*Painman hits Mosh over the head with his trademark baguette*
Painman: My name is La Painman…roughly translates as the breadman, but fuck English, what is so great about Angleterre? Nothin. I am the greatest French wrestler ever, and I will debut with UWA tonight in the 15 man battle royal, and I will become the first ever, UWA world champion. Au revoir, je m’appelle La Painman.
-------------
Miaz: Coming up next will be the 15 man battle royal for the UWA world championship, a much more prestige title than any other on the face of this earth.
Guerrera: Damn right amigo.
Miaz: I will explain the rule, once all 15 men have entered the ring, the match will start. You will be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope. There will be no disqualifications.
*Wrestlers enter the ring in the following order.
The Porn Stars – Nipples, Seanx101 and Pal Penus.**
The Retardy Boyz*
La Painman
Der Fuhrer*
Kid E Fiddler*
Awesome Mike
The Budleyz*
pWo (Bogan, Slash, Smelledy and Schmitt)**
*The match begins*
Miaz: Oh my god, Twat Retardy has been eliminated by Der Fuhrer!
*The Porn Stars and Wiff Retardy gang up on the Budleyz and eliminate both*
*The pWo then join force to eliminate Wiff Retardy, Seanx101 and Pal Penus in one throw.*
Guerrera: Oh my god! The pWo said they would take over and dominate, and that is what they have done! HOLY SHIT!!!
*The pWo throw Kid E Fiddler over the top rope onto the announce table. He then gets up and tries to lure children in the front row into his van parked outside.*
Miaz: That sick bastard!!
Guerrera: I would have kidnapped that blond in the front row
Miaz: Same here. Just look at those tits!!!
*Awesome Mike and La Painman eliminate Schmitt with a double clothesline. Everyone all bundles each other in the centre of the ring when suddenly Tony Nipples moonsaults into the centre of the ring knocking everyone down! He gets up and eliminates Smelledy then Der Fuhrer.*
Miaz: There goes Smelledy and Der Fuhrer………
Guerrera: I SAW A NIPPLE!!!!!!
*Bogan and Slash team up against Awesome Mike pushing him into the corner. La Painman has got his baguette, he swings but misses Tony Nipples.*
Miaz: Oh My God, Nipples goes doggy style.
Guerrera: Better known as a German Suplex essa.
Miaz: Whoa, is he going for it? He’s going to the top rope.
Guerrera: NIPPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES with the sex splash
Miaz: He hit it.
*Kevin Slash delivers a big boot to Nipples. Slash leans on the ropes.*
Miaz: Awesome Mike, Awesome Mike pushes Kevin Slash onto the top rope.
Guerrera: Could he do it man?
Miaz: Tony Nipples helping Mike and Kevin Slash has been eliminated!
*Nipples and Mike start to fight in the middle of the ring. Awesome Mike sets up Nipples for the powerbomb*
Miaz: He’s setting him up for the Awesome Bomb!
Guerrera: Whoa essa, here comes Bogan!
*Bogan shoves both Nipples and Awesome Mike over the top rope*
Miaz: Oh my god! We have our first ever UWA champion
Guerrera: Unfortunately. What a bastard.
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner and the NEEEEEEEEEW UWA heavyweight champion……Bollywood Bulk Bogan.
*Bogan celebrates in the ring as the pWo come down to the ring. The show finishes with the pWo raising Bogan’s hand and posing.*
Miaz: Well we have a new champion and the pWo have taken over!
Guerrera: Be sure to tune in next week on Wrestlement TV. Good night.